I am a fraud!

Some days I feel like a total fraud,  Like today.  Today is one of those days.  I feel like everything is getting on top of me.  Three kids and far too many worries between all 3 of them.  Worries that I am upset they  should go through.  A simple trip to the supermarket to get something is a feat in itself on one of these days. Ironically, I don’t use the special needs trolley I petitioned for last year because I can’t find it at the front of the store (really accessible and inclusive, hey Woolworths?!).  It’s probably just as well, as today, I feel I may just cry.  For I look like a dwarf pushing it and I end up breaking out in a cold sweat and then I end up wiping out half the store display stands.

So Mr D has a meltdown and throws himself down on the ground on the zebra crossing before we have even hit the inside of the supermarket.  I see a car out of the corner of my eye, slow down.  All we are buying is a toothbrush.  I have no energy to get anything more than a toothbrush for them each.  Because where did the other toothbrushes end up?  Down the toilet.  I shit you not, no pun intended 😉

We enter the supermarket and I firmly have one hand on each twin.  They are nearly 5.  FIVE.  For 5 years I have had a firm grip on them and for the most part, for the next five years it will be the same, at least for Danger, this I am sure.  The latest story of a GC little girl who went missing for I believe it was 24 hours, was fortunately, found well and safe.  But oh my god.  Watching the story unfold was so heartbreaking – and I was just another parent to someone else’s worse nightmare, coming true. Fortunately, the heartbreak turned to happiness, once the little girl was found safe and well.

It probably plays more on my subconscious than I actually acknowledge, which drains me.  This could so easily be Danger if I’m not careful.  I have to be 100% on the ball in public.  For both of them really, but at least with his twin, she’ll stop if I yell.  If I yell at Mr Danger – ironically – that it’s ‘danger’ he’ll just continue to head straight for it!

No wonder I feel like a mess some (most) days.  My energy levels are next to nothing – if not all depleted,  My nerves are frayed.   I go to work, where I can at least be me, head to the toilet and not see a toothbrush down there.  In fact, when I leave my kids at daycare, I feel calm that my children are safe where there are many adults – more eyes.  Even if an accident happens, and it’s not seen by said adult, it’s ok because all kids have accidents, right?  That’s just what happens. Even when they called an ambulance for Miss J with a suspected seizure (OMG twins with epilepsy?!  Hang on, I read someone else had 2 kids with seizures, I can do this… crossed my mind as I was driving to hospital).  I felt serenely calm, as paramedics and doctors and nurses know what they’re doing, they have the ability to administer medicines and access to all these things I just don’t have at home.   As it is, Miss J does not have epilepsy, just a heart condition, hearing issues and developmental delay – so kick that anxiety to the curb, we got this.

Mr Danger, when he’s at home – sometimes likes to hide – and then run, but not answer when you call his name.  He can say YEAH or OHHH but chooses not to.  So on the days where I would find him next door at our neighbour’s house – they were lovely and would bring him back(!) – I was thankful we lived in a quiet street and he just went to where he knew – which wasn’t far.  At our new house, which when we first moved into, we didn’t realise the garden gate was faulty and he simply escaped the garden, as I went inside to grab them a drink.  In that moment, he had gone.  He had crossed a road which has a bit of a blind corner, and just started playing happily at someone’s house.  Those poor parents were quite shocked, when I walked (ran) over to them and I had to console them after I found him.  I think they felt a bit better about the whole situation 😉

So while I glide across the pond, like a duck – not a swan, as they are far too elegant and model-esque like. I am most definitely a duck – who likes, no loves, carbs –  I am swimming furiously underneath, trying to keep up with the race.  Can’t just take off on some wild adventure with the family.  Bills to pay, appointments to go to, therapy to keep up with.  There are some moments, late at night, when I am being a MOMBIE where I dream about doing that – packing them all up and just taking off and letting go.  No forms, no agendas, but a hospital close by, just in case.

We are all ducks (or swans, if you’re lucky and see yourself that way) just gliding along to the next thing but in reality swimming furiously underneath to the next thing.  Next time I see you, or you see me, give me a ‘QUACK’ would you, and just break me out of my ‘race’ ?!


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